Reflecting on Benji

Its been almost a year since Benji was taken from us. I’ve had almost a year to reflect on the events that occurred last August, and I’ve decided maybe writing out some thoughts on the process would help.

Continued on 8/11/26

Last year I started writing this and couldn’t really bring myself to finish it, or even really put much down to start with. I was thinking about this post again last night and noticed a shift in my thoughts since starting around this time last year.

After the first year, I was still still very much in pain, from the raw trauma, utter shock and disbelief at what had happened. When I closed my eyes I would recall the horrific sights and sounds from that night, I could not get them out of my head. The image of our beloved Benji being viciously attacked, I briefly made eye contact with him as he let out his last breath and his attacker crushed the bones in his neck. His lifeless body flailing around as the other dog whipped him around the air like a toy. When the police came and I gave them my report of what happened they asked about his vaccines status and he had just been at the vet that day because he was due for a vaccine. He also wasn’t feeling well that week, with an upset stomach that he was just starting to get over after getting some medicine from the vet. I was just taking him outside to pee before bed and he was attacked and killed right in front of me, while I failed to get the attacking dog to let go. It was, and still is, so horribly painful, that I didn’t think I would ever feel safe in our own home again.

Now another year later, I still remember the night vividly but I think about the higher level, psychological affect it all had on me and my wife. I felt like a failed father, our first loved one together since he was just a puppy, was killed in the front yard of our family home, on my watch. I failed to protect my family and that felt incredibly damaging to my self. My wife, 6 months pregnant with our second child at the time, absolutely crushed by the event. Her hormones were already playing havoc on her emotions and then this sudden and hellish event sends her into understandable depression. The commotion had waken our first child and she had to console him, held him tightly and sang “the wheels on the bus” while fighting back her own emotions while I dealt with the police outside. It didn’t feel real, but it was very much a living nightmare.

I sometimes wonder what subconcious effects this event has had on me as a father, on my wife as a mother and our children as we navigate life in a neighborhood that no longer feels like a safe haven for our family. I have probably become a little too over protective of my children, especially our younger son, now almost two years old. I wonder what effect(s) his mothers depression, while he was in her womb, may have had on him. He seems to love animals, his face especially lights up when he sees a dog. I struggle with that. I used to love all dogs and I want my children to know the love of their own dog too, but I see other dogs in a different light now. Whenever we’re out walking around or playing at the playground I am unsettled, always on the look out for people walking with larger dogs. There are quite a few dogs still around that look very similar to the one that took our own dogs life and just seeing them brings up all sorts of mixed emotions.

We all miss Benji so much. I hope one day my family and I will heal to the point that we feel safe enough to have a dog in the house again. Until then, we will continue reflecting on the good memories we’ve had with our sweet little fluff.